BREAKING NEWS! Leaked Santa letter from Omarova obtained by GDS News Service …
Dear Santa,
When I was in Graduate Sch … er … ah … a “kid” I enjoyed stea … er … ah “borrowing” things from the local TJ Maxx. Marx said I was entitled to them so I wasn’t reeeallly “borrowing” them … anyway … I just saw on the news that you can now stea … er ah … “borrow” stuff permanently from Louis Vuitton, Nordstroms and lots of other great stores. Santa, all the cool criminal elected officials are using this ball-peen hammer for their smash n’ grabs.
My Mom said that she wouldn’t buy me one and told me to just stea … er … ah … borrow Grandma’s cheapo Chinese car safety hammer. I tell you Santa, If I don’t get one I’ll just die, I tell you I’ll positively just die. Please, please bring me one. I know I’m asking a rich, fat white guy with White Snow North Pole privilege to give me free stuff but … anyway gotta go. Just got a new smash and grab flashmob text … hope Grandma’s cheapo Chinese car safety hammer works.
Love,
Omarova