OK, I am not even a Christian, but I grew up in the United States, and I think this Babylon Bee article is hilarious. I nearly lost a keyboard.
- Dunkin’ — Southern Baptist: Obviously.
- Medium roast — Non-denominational: Smooth and palatable.
- Grande Caramel Macchiato in a venti cup, upside down, with split milks, extra shots, and no top drizzle — some friggin’ Acts 29 church: You know who they are.
- Boba tea — the Korean church that meets after your church: So many Hondas in the parking lot.
- Yuban, brewed last week — Catholic: Your penance begins now.
- Same, but really watered down — Anglican: Mmm, delicious.
- Tim Hortons — Oh no, you’re not at a Church… you’re in Canada!: Abort, abort!
- Decaf — Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church: HERESY ALERT.
- Black coffee with no stirring sticks — Church of Christ: No sticks, no temptation to start drumming.
- Frozen coffee, extra ice — Presbyterian: They will not move and neither shall the coffee.
- Craft IPA — Reformed: With an alcohol content of 9%, you know it’s Reformed.
- Whatever coffee was already in the pot — Calvinist: It’s not up to you, bub.
- Quintuple espresso — Assemblies of God: The shakes are about to start.
- Anything with oat milk — Gay Church: Could be Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopalian. You never know these days.
- The leftover dregs of coffee from five years ago — Lutheran: It’s what you deserve, you depraved wretch!
- Still waiting on a decision from the Coffee Committee — Methodist: They’re just running it by a couple more committees.
- Starbucks — You are in Hell: Not good.
